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Archive for November, 2009

How to walk a marathon in 23 easy steps…

Step #1. Lose your keys… walk aimlessly around town looking for them. Then after 12 miles decide what the heck… I bet I could walk a marathon…
Step #2 Send out an email to your friends asking if anyone wants to walk a marathon with you. Although I did have one person say they would walk it with me… after a month or so they couldn’t fit time in for longer walks thus in the end it was just me… on my own…not knowing anyone in a crowd of 14k people… trying to walk it all by myself.
Step # 3 Set a goal… like… If I can finish this thing before they open the course to traffic (7hours) I will go to Panera for dinner. Because… Panera is my favorite place in the world … to eat… even though I’ve only eaten there 5 times. However, if you know anyone who can arrange duel citizenship for me I’d like to move to Scotland… because that truly is my favorite place in the whole world… or Ireland…I wouldn’t mind living there either.
Step #4 Using free hotel points stay in a hotel just minutes from the starting line.
Be sure and pack something for breakfast 1). That you like and 2). That will fill you up. I read online that you are suppose to eat at least 2 hours before you start a marathon. So I woke up at 4:45 and ate a peanut butter sandwhich.
Step #5 Because you have no where to go for another 2 hours pack your coat pockets with things you will need for the marathon walk. Like… an extra pair of socks (that you won’t need) and cheap $1 gloves to keep your hands warm.
Step #6 Because you are super smart… you will have laid out all possible clothing options the night before. I had 1 outfit in case of rain… and another outfit … a track suit that makes me look like a dork… BUT… the dorky track suit has pockets…. which… is ALWAYS A PLUS.
Step #7 In your super lame but necessary “fanny pak” fill it with essential items… like… 2 oatmeal cookies, 2 fun size candy bars, 2 fruit leathers, a variety of cough drops and hard candy, a wooden clothes pin doll that you won in an online giveaway that just happens to somewhat resemble you, 1 “lucky penny” that you found on the way back to the hotel from picking up your race packet, 1 pocket angel that your father gave you, 1 bottle of water and a garbage bag in case of rain.
Step #8 Get dressed and pose for super cheesy photo.
Step #9 Do you like bananas? If so… eat a free banana. If your’e not in the mood for a banana… then listen to your handsome husband tell you like 12 times that you really should eat a banana… because “Have you ever seen the Tour De France?… they are always eating banana’s while riding their bikes… you REALLY SHOULD eat a banana.”
Step #10 Get to the starting line and have a stranger take your photo.
Step #11 Make friends with the person standing next to you.
Step #12 Start walking…
Step #13 Be sure and notice where the toilets are.
Step #14 Word of advice… if you ever find yourself in a dark tunnel… do not use the toilet in the dark tunnel. Because I did. And when I thought I was reaching for the toilet paper… instead I reached out my hand… and it ended up in the urinal… which I didn’t quite grasp the fact that it was a urinal until my hand was all wet… Oh… and FYI> the toilets /port a potties that they use at the Seattle marathon … don’t come with hand sanitizer… but they do come with soap… Not the quiet the same. Oh and another thing… no matter how many cups of water you use to pour over your hands…you will not be able to get ride of the image that your hand is covered in pee.
Step #15 But hey… you might see somebody famous… like Elvis… this guy was in 5th place on the full marathon run when he passed me. Everybody was cheering for him… I loved that!
Step #16 The great thing about walking a marathon is that there is always something to see. Around mile 19 or so I passed thru a really cool neighborhood with old/amazing homes.
Step #17 You can get some great landscaping ideas when walking a marathon…like how to grow wisteria over the entire front of your house.
Step #18 Around mile 22 or so, when a guy with a blow horn yells your time… Yell “Holy Crackers… are you kidding me?” and be sure and take a picture of your disbelief.
Step #19 When you cross the finish line… be sure and thank the guy who takes off your timing chip because you suddenly cannot move. ( I feel really bad about not thanking him… I made a point to thank each and every person who handed me water and gatorade)… it was the least I could do… there were over 2,000 volunteers at the Seattle Marathon… how cool is that?
Step #20 Have your handsome husband take your picture next to a rusty old dumpster… I mean… because really… why would you want him to take one of you crossing the finish line when you can have this picture instead?

Step #21 Have your parents take you (and the rest of your family) out to your favorite restaurant for dinner. Then have your handsome husband pry you from the chair and carry you to the car because you cannot move/ walk/ or bend your legs.

Step #22 Go home and write about it so you don’t forget what an awesome day you had. 1). You just walked 26.2 miles (plus another mile to the car after the race) 2). You never once… during the whole race… had any negative emotions… well except for at mile 21 when you had to walk up a very steep hill and you said to the guy next to you… “I think this is the part that sucks”…and he replied “The whole thing sucks”… which made you laugh… and gave you more energy to keep going.

Step #23 Be grateful for the positive experience and that you finished in 5hrs 25min … and say to your mother as you are leaving the race… “Next year I think I’m gonna try and run it”.

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How To Make A Party Hat

Step 1. Have a mother who sees a party hat in a “little shop” while visiting Florida….who then decides to buy said hat for her daughter…not because her daughter will necessarily wear the hat with the tacky margarita print and red feathers but because her daughter will take apart the $40 hat, then lie to her mother about taking apart the hat (how else am I suppose to figure it out?) and then proceed to make party hats for every stinkin family member, friend, and/or anyone requiring a hat who is having a birthday/baby/ or hernia operation in the year of 2009.

Step 2. Trace out party hat shape (1/4 of a circle) onto white poster board.

Step 3. Trace out a second party hat shape on poster board…only slightly larger (maybe 1″) for the fabric….write “fabric template” on this one….

Step 4. Place “fabric template” piece on suitable cotton fabric ….and ummm…cut out the fabric.


Step 5. Score the “party hat” (1/4 poster board circle) on the edge of a table so it will fold together easily….. and yes, there are still tomatoes on my windowsill….


Step 6. Tape party hat end together with giant tape.

Step 7. Hot glue fabric to party hat….be very careful not to get hot glue on your fingers…or if you do….at least have enough common sense to let it harden before you try and pick off the glue. If not, you will end up with two red/burned fingers because you tried to pick hot glue off your other finger.

Go outside…..say hello to the chickens…..wonder if they are getting to plump….and think to yourself…hmm…maybe I should make some chicken pot pies instead of having to go outside and collect eggs all winter long…. get distracted for 6 hours then come back inside and continue working on party hat.

Step 8. Staple (2) 18″ ribbons one at each end of the party hat.

Step 9. Hot glue some sort of ribbon to the inside of the party hat to cover up ugly staples…and to prevent staples from cutting future party hat wearer….because nobody wants to have blood dripping down their face while they are blowing out their candles or have to go to the ER mid party for a tetanus shot….unless of course you are giving this hat to a hernia patient who is already in the ER and they look like they might enjoy a tetanus shot….then by all means…don’t cover the staples…

Step 10. Hot glue (be careful) a feather boa around the base of the party hat.

Step 11. Then add a little bit of feather boa at the top….maybe you also want to add some “flair” to the top as well…..

Step 12. Ask yourself….do I want to make this person a matching party horn to go with this hat? If you do…why then add a little more feather boa to said party horn….

Step 13 Try it on…
14. Wrap it up…

Now…how easy was that?

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